Strolls down the memory lane.

For the lack of R,

Shadows create fear in the innocence
And he was there to protect with his firm hand.
And that was all she wanted,
His comforting hand giving reassurance.

Innocence had passed and given way to reality
And she couldn't find the comforting hand anymore.
Maybe the hand had accompanied the innocence
And left a deep void within her.

Years passed, people tried their best
To fill the void.
She made it seem like a healed wound,
But deep within the burning ache never receded.

Throughout these years, the burning consumed her,
But she was able to get out of it.
Yesterday, the sight of those hands consumed her,
The burning dwelled within longer than ever before.

She beckoned Sleep to take over her.
Finally in the hazed mix of reality and desires,
She felt the comforting hand envelope hers
And the burn within her lightened to a pleasant warmth.

The moment faded away in a fraction.
She jolted back to reality.
Her thumping heart was feeling too many things.
She had finally found comfort amidst the burning and warmth.

Throughout the years, she had fallen back to rationality for assurance.
Tonight, she fell back to the sliver of hope deep within.
Even if those comforting hands weren't present in person,
She held on to the memory created within the haze of Sleep.

I'm gay.

I'm gay and proud. I've been fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who have been nothing but supportive but there are individuals out there who have a different story. The journey of self identity is not very smooth. We live in a world where acceptance for one's own identity and right is still fought for. Throughout the ages people have sought out to literature, famous figures, rallys, protests in order to expand people's perspective about everything that is not heteronomous in nature. Only a few specks of the society have come to accept the spectrum of humanity that exists. It's contradictory how  I don't understand the non acceptance but understand the apprehensions involved behind such thought processes. My point of realisation and acceptance of my sexuality has been smooth and less strugglesome and I am immensley greateful for that. I hope for the day when coming out stories in India are given as much importance as board exam results on social media. Until the day when a person's  self identity is not questioned upon or given questioning stares, we need to be supportive and encouraging in our own little ways. I thank every single person who has been part of my coming out. Happy Pride everyone! <3

To, Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,
I cannot fathom as to what you're going through. I have no right to judge you or find similarities between your sorrows and mine to gain self assurance of some sort. This letter is just for your wandering eyes in search of distraction or temporary solace. Remember the moment when your heart felt the lightest. Remember the colors that brought you joy at some point. Remember even the greys that stirred you and created havoc. Remember the breathless stomach aches because you laughed too much at something you now consider silly. Remember the entwined fingers that sent crackers bursting in your mind. Remember the time your throat hurt to scream but all you could do was bite your hand. Remember the small caresses that sent tingles down your spine. Remember the solace you found sitting all by yourself at a table and sipping your coffee. Remember the time when the noises inside your head were louder than the street noise. Remember this moment which is now filled with numerous memories and the different facets of yourself.  You have experienced and survived all of this. There will come a day when you look back and remember this moment while reading another letter or maybe you will not. All I know is you would have gotten through this moment of struggle. Until then, take a deep breath and count on the distractions for temporary solace. 

Whispers of uncertainty.

Out there in the field of nothingness,
I met all of you.
Your face held answers to my quest.
Though I wasn't sure if you found answers in mine.
They said meet her in the field of nothingness,
Where there is no right or wrong
Where people don't question love
But I wanted to question them;
"What is wrong with this field of reality?"
My conscience knew the answer
But a voice deep within my heart hoped for the better.
The frail flaws of the society left  me to breathe in air that lacked her scent.
So I left this place to join her.
Now she looks at me with those illuminated eyes which resonate the same uncertainty within me.
How is loving another soul a sin?

P.S: This is a Rumi inspired post. He really knew his way through words and emotions.

Late Night Words.

People move with fleeting times desperately in search of meaning in one way or another. We try finding ourselves through music. We try finding ourselves in words written by others. We try finding ourselves in others. All we do is search for a part of us in everything. We are designed to keep ourselves occupied till the inevitability of life finds us. The uncertainty of it keeps us going. We try to stabilize our lives by finding constants in other living things failing to realize the ironical permanency of change. So we hold on to the short lived stability we gain in other people. Humans in general regard relations highly and evaluate themselves accordingly, intentionally or otherwise. The thing is we all are socially wired to gain acceptance and assurance of others but fail to accept our true selves hidden beneath all the social layers. We try to convey our emotions through words, music, art, gestures hoping that we connect at some intrinsic level with another being. When this does happen, we fool ourselves into labeling the relations while it slowly destroys the beauty of the connection. We are so caught up grounding the label that we lose out on the essence of the connection itself. We get lost in the process of it and only realize when it starts to fade or fall apart.

When all else fails we look up to nature for answers. Throughout the ages, nature has been seen as the epitome for seeking answers and the truth. Nature and its "essence" has been exemplified through words for years but sometimes when we reduce feelings and emotions to mere words, it fails to justify the intensity. We are all seekers and wanderers in our own constructed worlds trying to finding meaning. These thoughts dwell in the back of everyone's head at some point of time. Some choose to disregard it and go on with the flow while some choose to ponder over such matters. Some might try connecting themselves through these words like I did with someone else's words. Its a viscous cycle.  

Statements to the merely known.

Flustered eyes, tense stance and a beautiful  mess is what she is.
She believes in the absurdities and the unknown.
She follows the eccentric and chooses ambiguous paths.
She brings colour to the spectrum of grey.
She listens to the kind of music that adds to the living.
Oh don't for a second think that's all there is to her.
She is one on the surface and another beneath the layers of human subjectivity.
She stutters at the sight of loved ones and makes easy conversations with strangers.
Because being vulnerable seems harder than talking
about the world to a complete stranger.
Her lips make the effort to smile and hide the heaviness
in her eyes while her heart is in utter turmoil.
Sometimes her face speaks of stories that her voice does
not have the strength to narrate.
Nevertheless her eyes crinkle at the lamest of jokes
and her arms pacify another human in distress.
These are just mere statements with different figures of
speech trying to justify my perception of a human dear to someone.
I might be wrong or right, no one really knows.
All that I know is
She is just another soul in the making.



P.S- This  happens when one ends up binge watching movies that hits you right in the feels. This is also inspired by something I read long back and is very dear to me.
Link is given below. :)

https://ashleywylde.com/poetry/a-bird-just-flies/the-perfect-amount-of-insane/

At the edge of oblivion.

(This post is just a result of a book I recently read, watching a movie and the rain.)

She stood at the edge of the sill, her toes feeling the chilly wind of the night. All it would take was a second of impulse to end it all. Her head was surging with millions of thoughts that added up to her swelling headache and indecisiveness. She took a deep breath thinking it would help her with the clouded mind. She had it all figured out, the pros and cons of any way she took right now but she just couldn't come to the point of acting on her impulse. She did't fear death but feared the lack of life in her. The thought of approaching people for help had occurred to her several times but the thought of being too insignificant had occurred to her way more than necessary. The fact that this world existed and functioned at so many ineffable levels befuddled her to no bounds. Young at age, she hadn't seen much of life, just heard and read a lot. Nonetheless, she felt this heavy burden in her head that just kept knocking her down incessantly. She knew that there was a term for what was happening to her but she wasn't sure if that was all. There were days where she got through a day effortlessly and then there were days where she just wanted to end it all. Today was one of those days.
Her problems and issues were part of the seamless issues all humans have, nothing out of the ordinary. The only thing new about all this was that another being had fallen into this conundrum of world called depression and it was messing her train of thoughts. She wasn't deprived of any resources but still felt hollowness in her stomach that troubled her from standing erect sometimes. The feeling would reach to a level where she  just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay like that for eternity. She mentally ticked off all the symptoms she had read up on and wondered whether the world is moving ahead with all the advancements or dying with all the depleting essence of humanity. She had tried several times to reason out and convince herself that all this shall pass but today it had reached to an extent that she was standing at the edge of the world she had always known and questioning her existence,
The balance between her cold toes and warm gloved fingers seemed oddly satisfying. Every time she tried to take a foot off the sill, something seemed to stop her. She didn't fear death. She skimmed through the reasons why she should stay alive, nothing seemed convincing enough. She had been waiting for a few hours internally hoping that someone coming in search of her would at least give her the sign of hope. As the song she had been playing ended, she threw her phone aside. The movement made her dizzy due to the exhaustion of standing. She spread her arms wide and closed her eyes to see nothing but the darkness while she expected flashbacks of happy memories. She opened her eyes to realise a few things. Firstly, she had been up on the terrace for too long and she could see the first rays of sun break through the clouds. Secondly, she heard her name being called by a voice that triggered something warm within her. She turned to look at her face and fell into her arms out of exhaustion and whispered in her ears " You're the reason".